Patience

Two days ago, my grandmother said to me, "Who would have said you'd be such a good mother."

The comment stuck with me. I took it as a compliment, if back handed. Who would have thought? Why would anybody NOT have thought?

Today she said it again, so I asked her about it. She said that I had a lot of patience for the baby.

I have been very intentional about being patient since the baby was just a few weeks old. He would fall asleep at the breast while eating at night. Because he ate very frequently and slowly and required a nipple shield at this age, this was VERY frustrating for me because he would fall deeply asleep and then would wake up again a short while later, still hungry, and I'd have to sit up and feed him again. I remember at one point shaking a bottle of tums by his head and being rough in moving him, trying to wake him. And I remember feeling like a shitty mom for doing this. I had this kind of "ah ha" moment - this little person was depending on me. Leunig was in my head, there are only two feelings, love and fear, and what was I afraid of? That I'd have to wake up again in 45 minutes? That I'd be tired? The main thing he needs is my love. My love and my love and my love. My love in the way I handle him. My love in the way I touch him, respond to him.

As time has wore on, the challenges are different. We always had easy diaper changes during the day - slow, calm, I would talk or sing him through it and he would cooperate. Then there were some times when I felt disconnected from him, he just wanted to wriggle and wouldn't let me change his diaper. I had to resist the urge to rush through it, to try to force him. I started giving him time. So he wanted to look at the wall - ok, he wants to look at the wall. Will something bad happen if he looks at the wall instead of finishing his diaper change right now? What was I afraid of? Nothing to fear there. Out of love, I would wait. I would try to notice.

Now I ask him everything. Is he ready? I've learned that sometimes, when he complains at a diaper change, he just wants a hug. I offer him a hug and then he lets me get on with it.

Patience. It's a funny thing, something all my life I thought would elude me, and then I had this child and almost 9 months later, I've developed patience.