Motherhood

So after all that I became a mother to a beautiful little boy and development has taken on a whole new meaning.

There is my son. He has changed an incredible amount since he was born. I see the changes every day. Today, he learned how to use a cup. It's the doidy cup. He communicates with me - flapping his arms means yes. I mean I love this kid - he's going to be 8 months old next week and he can drink out of a cup and say yes.

He sleeps in bed with us. After many nights of many hours of crying next to me in bed, I convinced him that he can no longer sleep all night on the boob and so now he falls asleep next to me, sometimes cuddled, sometimes not. And we can leave him in there, by himself, and I watch him on the monitor like a hawk. And I notice when his head has turned, and every so often I zoom in to make sure I can see his breath gently move in his back.

Development. He can sit up by himself if I sit him down, but not yet push himself into a sitting position. He doesn't crawl yet but he rolls himself wherever he wants to go, with a silent speed.

I watch him all the time and yet I am aware I don't really know him. He is my son but he is not mine. I try to watch him, to know him, but I am imperfect and my phone is at my hand and I don't know him. Not as much as I thought I would.

I spend a lot of time on parenting groups on Facebook, learning, preparing for when he's older and understanding how to be a respectful parent. I am in love with the RIE philosophy but I think I am letting my intuition guide me and not so much the books; my intuition and reading about other pareents' experiences.

Development. There is a concept in Allan Kaplan - it is about how life is the manifestation of the struggle between polarities. And I see this in my parenting. Part of this is learning. As you learn, you go to an extreme, because you don't know yet, how to balance. There are too many unknowns. For example, from lack of experience perhaps I have not fully integrated "do not label your children" into my parenting, so I may be dogmatic about it. And the more that I learn about it, and test it, the more I will understand it and be able to apply it appropriately. It is then no longer a rule, a dogma, but a method, an approach, respectfulness.

Development. It is all around me. My relationship with my husband has changed. As a father and partner parent he is more spectacular than I ever dreamed. He inspires me with his unconditional love and support, his willingness to step up in any way that we need for our little family.

Development. It reminds me that it's never too late, we are constantly changing, we can always keep changing, bettering.